The Friends You Love to Hate,

or, A Walk Down Memory Lane,
or, People (me) Who Hate People (you) Who Love People (me) Who Hate People (you)

Keeping with my strange track record regarding the bus (i.e. the camel) I wasn't particularly surprised to have another close encounter today. It was a pretty straightforward experience: I saw a random person on the bus who, for about two seconds, looked like an old college friend. I did a quick sneaky double-take and quickly established that it was not, in fact, my friend. It was one of those moments that can happen hundreds of times a day and generally passes without a second thought. However, with the idea that I would need interesting material for my fiendish blog stuck in the back of my mind, it got me thinking. It took me back on a sappy, syrupy trip down memory lane.

Awww... how sweet, you fiends must be thinking, but HEY! This is ME! Do you really think that my college memories are sweet? Do I seem like the type of person who embodies "sweet?"

So this girl on the bus looked like my friend "S" (my attorney, Dr. Gonzo, has informed me that using real names could either get me sued or get me a reality show). A little background on S. We met years ago in college when I was working the door at one of the crazy punk shows we held regularly in the dirty, nasty, crazy, fabulous, activist-ridden house in which I was living at the time (a blog on that at another time, my fiends!). I have no memory of this meeting, as I was probably drunk at the time, but I have been reliably informed by S and several other people that I was "very mean" to her, and didn't want to let her in (knowing myself as well as I do, I'm sure the story is true). You can see we hit it off right from the start.

Somehow this led to us becoming friends. She eventually became my roommate in another house, after my previous roommate proclaimed his undying love for me and when it was not reciprocated, stole $1200 from me. S remained one of my roommates the next year when we moved across the street to a group house. All in all, we were friends for several years until she finished school and moved away.

But this story is boring and where the hell is it going and what the hell is the point?, some fiends may be asking themselves. The point, fiends, is that all the years we were friends I couldn't stand her; at times I hated her! Huh? She was a friend but I really disliked her. End of story.

So maybe that means she wasn't really my friend. Let's get Matlock on this and examine the evidence:

1. We socialized together, including going out to bars, clubs, movies and coffee shops
2. We threw parties together
3. We lived together for two years
4. We shared gossip and secrets and girly stuff like that

Based on this evidence, the logical conclusion is that S was my friend.

However:

1. She annoyed the hell out of me
2. Every time she spoke I cringed inwardly
3. I hated the fact that she was my roommate
4. I gossiped about her with other friends

Based on this evidence, the logical conclusion is that S was not my friend.

But just so you don't think I'm more of a fiend than I really am, in my defense S was a major pain in the ass. She was a drama queen, she was loud, she was obnoxious, she had to be the center of attention at all times, she was more boy crazy that any person I have ever met, and she was self-righteous (a vegan who liked to throw her "enlightened" status in the face of everyone else - and she hated animals too!). To make matters worse, she was scarily close-minded and conservative when we first met, then later turned into somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

So while I may feel like somewhat of an evil fiend, I'm sure I'm not alone in having been in this weird situation. Maybe it's more common than I realize, and maybe everyone has one or two friends that they really don't like. Please understand that I am not referring to acquaintances here, but FRIENDS - people you spend large quantities of your free time with by choice.

Hopefully this isn't the part of the blog where you are expecting me to have learned a valuable moral lesson about the meaning of true friendship (make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is SHUT THE FUCK UP!). A year ago I randomly met up with S in DC and we spent part of the day hanging out. We went out to eat, caught up, gossiped about mutual friends, had a few beers, and parted ways promising to keep in touch (riiiiiiight...). Guess what? I still can't stand her. Only now that we don't live together, socialize together, throw parties together, and gossip and share secrets together, I can move on to the relatively uncomplicated task of disliking her without being her friend. Ahhh... sweet simplicity...

One caveat: Despite the vitriolic rant you have just finished reading, I am actually quite a nice person. S is the exception rather than the rule when it comes to my friends. And my fiends. Will you be my fiend?