The Comet Lady and Me

There are many people in this world I admire, Jonas Salk, Mohandas Gandhi, Kurt Vonnegut and Mr. T to name a few. Now I have someone new to add to that list. Her name is Marina Bai and she is my new hero.

Who the hell is Marina Bai? You fiends are probably asking. Should I know who she is?

You may remember that less than a week ago, the NASA spacecraft "Deep Impact" (yes, that name is just WAITING for porn jokes galore) crashed into the comet, Tempel 1. NASA hopes that the gas, dust and ice ejected from the comet during the crash will give scientists insight into the formation of the solar system.

Enough with the science lesson. Get to the good stuff!

Marina Bai, as you may or may not know, is the Russian astrologist who is suing NASA over the Deep Impact mission. She has claimed that the trajectory of the comet was slightly altered by the impact, which naturally will affect her horoscope for the rest of her life. Her lawsuit is asking for... wait for it... $300 million!!! What a fiend!!!

In fact, I recognized her as a fellow fiend the moment I read this wonderful quote from her claim:

"The actions of NASA infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the Universe."

Who else thinks this crazy lady rocks the house? Don't be shy! Raise your hands!

I must admit that I felt a great sense of relief when I first discovered that Marina was out there. Until then, I had thought that I was the only one concerned about the cosmic astrological effects that would befall both me and the universe at large if NASA had its way.
I am an Aries (in case that wasn't obvious) on the cusp of Seaquarius, blancmange ascending. According to my extremely accurate astrological calculations (done with a homemade crayola-and-construction-paper star chart) performed whilst walking counterclockwise around the Prime Meridian and listening to the latest hit from Yanni, the effect that the impact will have on my future is monumental!

Whereas I once had a fabulous future filled with wondrously fiendish world domination, the return of 1980s-style pop, and a shoe collection to outshine Imelda Marcos, under this new cosmotological era, my future has taken a horrifying turn.

According my new horoscope, my future is filled with... good deeds (NO!)... charity... (HELP!)... reading to orphans (WHY GOD, WHY!)... and a Nobel Peace Prize (OH, THE HUMANITY!). The cosmic ramifications of this are almost too painful to bear!

That is why it appears that our only salvation lies in the wise and capable hands of Marina Bai. She has become a voice for the cosmological voiceless, for those silenced by cruel corrupt governments, and a world that cares little for the astrological happiness of the have-nots. With the emergence of Marina, a leader has appeared who will save us from the new, unbalanced universe, and will fearlessly lead us back to the glorious dawn of a beautiful, astrologically-correct world.

Viva la revolucion!