Something Special for All You Fiends...

There has been something on my mind lately, my fiendish friends. And I'm sure it has been on your minds too. Two words: Tom. Cruise.

Huh???

Well, not Tom Cruise, per say. More like Scientology.

Huh???

Well, not Scientology, per say. More like Fiendiology.

Yes!!!

I'll admit it: I'm jealous of Scientologists. They get their own wacky fun religion and lots of wacky fun followers -- Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Isaac Hayes, can ya dig it? (Special Note to the Church of Scientology, who I allegedly hear is allegedly famously litigious, allegedly: Don't sue me!)

Anyway, if the Scientologists can have their wacky fun religion, created by a moderately bad writer with a large ego, I want to have MY own religion, created by a moderately bad writer (me) with a large ego (me me ME!).

So, I present to you, fiends and friends...

The Church of Fiendiology!!!

Like all organized religions, Fiendiology has rules and beliefs. So everyone sit down, shut up, and pay attention! (Note: this will be much funnier to those fiends who actually know a bit about Scientology and/or have been following Tom Cruise's recent wacky exploits.)

First let's start with some background (excerpted from "Fiendanetics." Crash, Snow. 2005). In the beginning (when I invented Fiendiology 15 minutes ago) there were fiends. And these fiends were brought to Earth by benevolent aliens. Over the next few million millennia some other stuff happened, some good, some bad, mostly boring. Bringing us to the present day, where we Fiendiologists, who eschew all forms of non-psychotherapeutic medicine and believe that the entire world should be on Ritalin and Prozac, with the occasional martini chaser, attempt to commune with our past fiendish lives by releasing negative "f-grams" through a fiendishly secret method that is only revealed to those high in the Church of Fiendiology. It is our profound belief that through communicating with our past fiends, we can learn how to contact our alien progenitors and one day return to the fiendish cosmic paradise from whence we came. (Note: I am pleased to announce that I can cross something off my "List of Things to Do Before I Die":#37 - Use "whence" in a sentence.)

But how does one become a member of this fabulously fiendish new religion? Don't worry, my fiends, it's not difficult. First, you must acknowledge ME as Supreme Head of the Church of Fiendiology. Next, you must purchase my book, "Fiendanetics: A Fiendish Journey to Find Your Inner Fiend." Then you must read said book (yes, it will be on the test). After that you pretty much give me all your money and worldly possessions, move into the odd communal compound I have been building in the desert, trade in your clothes for white robes and a tinfoil hat, and start ridding yourself of those nasty f-grams!

So come join the wacky fun that is Fiendiology! The Supreme Head of the Church of Fiendiology commands it!